On Purpose Woman
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A Force for Good
March/April 2020
On Purpose Woman Publisher/Editor Ginny Robertson Creative Director Kathryn Yarborough Contributing Writers: Monyka Berrocosa Tracy Brown Carol Burbank Laura DiFranco Kim Wells Eley Jennifer Hamady Andrea Hylen Pam McFarland Karen Tasto Sarah Van Sciver Sofia Wren Kathryn Yarborough Cover Art By: Stacey Littledeer
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On Purpose Woman Magazine is published bi-monthly online. We reserve the right to edit or reject any material submitted. Neither the publishing team or the advertisers accept responsibility for errors. Publication and distribution of this magazine does not constitute an endorsement of information, products or services. The publisher reserves the right to reject any advertisement or listing for any reason. To reproduce articles, always credit On Purpose Woman Magazine with the link to the issue. Also, credit the author and leave their bio and contact info intact.
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Letter from the Publisher As I write this, spring is in the air here in Maryland. While we've had a mild winter, I'm still ready to experience the joy of blooming flowers and trees and warmer weather. I'm also feeling more energized to get moving with some business, personal, and home ideas and projects that have been sitting on the drafting board of my mind for some time. It's time for me to nurture those ideas and let them spring into fruition. How about you? What's bubbling up for you this spring? Are you ready to take on something new? If so, check out what our insightful, talented, and heart-centered writers have for you this issue. They have created words to enhance your mind, body, spirit, and business. They offer insight and advice for handling perfectionism, imposter syndrome, failure, body shame, crossing life's thresholds, and living in a different culture. They use personal experiences to share on how writing, as well as depression, can be a tool for healing. You'll get wise and usable tips on what to write about as you start your book or blog project and tips for building an innovative business. Then there's the story about a woman making a difference…just one woman having a huge impact globally. If you like videos, check out "What Is Mine to Do?" for a look at how we can take a stand for fairness. And if the idea of life purpose interests you, check out my video interview on "Once You Know Your Purpose, Then What?" and my audio interview on "Being on Purpose." All of the above, and the products and services our advertisers offer will have you starting spring with new ideas, resources, and inspiration. On Purpose Woman Magazine is a fabulous resource. I encourage you to use it!
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5 Letter from the Publisher Ginny Robertson 8 Screw Perfection Jennifer Hamady 14 What is Mine To Do? Tracy Brown 18 Lessons From Living in Japan Sofia Wren 26 What Are You Writing About? “Mise En Place” For Your Writing Kim Wells Eley 32 Cover Artist Stacey Littledeer 34 Notice What Turns You On Andrea Hylen 40 Business Directory 46 Sharla Brown: One Woman Can Change the World Kathryn Yarborough 52 Using Writing to Heal; a Journey to Purpose and Joy Laura DiFranco 58 Events To Attend 60 From Body Shame to Body Love: Part 2 Karen Tasto 68 Depression:A Gateway to Healing Sarah Van Sciver 74 Doorway to Spring Pam McFarland 78 The Value of Failure Monyka Berrocosa 86 The Imposter Syndrome: When Doubt Defines Us Carol Burbank
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Screw Perfection by Jennifer Hamady
A performer I worked with recently told me that she can't stand listening to recordings of herself. She cringes at every missed note and tonal imperfection. She's also a recording engineer working on her own projects, which makes things that much more complicated. And painful for her. In her words, "I just don't like the way I sound. I hate my voice." Many of us– whether we sing or not– have this type of twisted perception. And I say twisted because I don't believe that we dislike our voices. I believe that we dislike what we fear our voices might be suggesting about us: That we're not perfect. That we're not enough. That we're not OK. I believe that we can't stand sending our voices (and ourselves) out into the world, naked and vulnerable, because we can't control the response. And we desperately long to be in control of how we deliver ourselves, of how we appear, and of what others think of us. Only toward the end of a decades-long career as a professional singer was I able to listen to recordings of myself and really enjoy them… flaws and all. Now I listen, not past those flaws, but through them, to the life that is flowing from my heart, through my voice, and into the world. In fact, the imperfections are often what make that sharing, and our voices, beautiful. Why? Because when we're trying to be perfect and to control our voices and what others think of them, we're no longer honest. When we're desperate to stay inside the lines of what's 'right' and 'good,' we surrender the vulnerability and bravery required to fully and truly share ourselves. Without reservation. Without hesitation. Back in my own recording days, I used to drive myself crazy, berating myself for every real and imagined tiny vocal glitch. And I, therefore, missed many opportunities to take huge chances… chances to be honest, vulnerable, and brave. Not anymore. Now you can't shut me up. Brave, brilliant, glorious mistakes and all. My cousin recently asked me to record a song of mine I sang at her wedding last fall. Where once I would have hesitated, hedged, and found a reason not to, or booked a professional studio, I immediately said yes and – still in my PJs – sat down at the piano and sang. I sang my heart out. Here's the iPhone recording I sent to her, and now to you, with an open heart. With love. And with so much joy
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Jennifer Hamady is a voice coach and therapist specializing in self-expression. She maintains a private practice in Washington DC and New York City, writes regularly for Psychology Today, and is working on her fourth book. For more information, visit:FindingYourVoice.com
When we're desperate to stay inside the lines of what's 'right' and 'good,' we surrender the vulnerability and bravery required to fully and truly share ourselves. Without reservation. Without hesitation.
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What is Mine to Do?
Ginny Robertson Writes: I invite you to click on the video on this page and watch Tracy Brown's TEDx talk “What is Mine to Do,” where she challenges us to take responsibility for our individual contribution to ending race-based hatred and violence. In this talk, Tracy shares how the day after the Charleston murders, she found herself sitting in a jury room considering whether she, a black woman, could be a fair and impartial juror in a case where a young white man killed 9 innocent people because of the color of their skin. What happened as a result of that morning has become an unexpected call to action for all people committed to mutual respect or willing to take a stand for fairness. If we want to see change in our world, each one of us must answer the question, “What is Mine to Do?” You can read more about Tracy’s experience that day and what came next in this excerpt from her book “Mine To Do.”
Tracy Brown is a Dallas based author, nationally known for shifting conversations about diversity and inclusion from debate based on politics and personality to dialogue that leads to positive results and healthy relationships. She’s worked with corporations and nonprofit organizations for more than 20 years; and since 2009, she has offered guidance to churches and spiritual leaders. Tracy’s most recent book is “Stained Glass Spirit: Becoming a Spiritual Community Where Oneness Does Not Require Sameness.”
Living in Japan
Living abroad in Japan was a dream that took me two years to achieve. I got a job that gave me a residence visa. I gave up my apartment and boxed everything up. Here's what I've learned since arriving in July 2019. 1. Release expectations When I first imagined life in Japan, I thought it would feel something like living at a spa. I said, "I'm going to meditate all over Japan." Then I show up at the temples, and there are no benches, like I pictured, to meditate on. They don't really do outside benches here. Weird, huh? I also said, "It'll be like a paid creative residency." As a freelancer, I've been writing and editing other people's work for years. I wanted a few seasons to focus on my own book Freedom Year. But my day job is so stressful that I can't do as much as I want to. I expected a peaceful zen journey, and I got a trial by fire. Hold your expectations loosely! 2. Ask For Help Before leaving America, I found a counselor who could work with me virtually while abroad. Moves are stressful, and I suspected I would feel isolated. That was a good idea because jobs, apartment set up, weird people, and unexpected events triggered my stuff. I also reached out to friends and family in a way that felt new for me. I stopped worrying about being too dependent on them and asked for support. I also let local people help me figure things out, too. 3. Make Mistakes I don't know any Japanese, so I have to face situations with zero certainty that I know what I am doing. I don't like making mistakes, but I have to accept that I'll definitely be making a lot of them daily. I call this getting comfortable with walking blind. Maybe life isn't about failing or succeeding; it's more like a conversation where you try things, and then you adjust to everything that happens next. Easier said than done, though! Oh my, the anxiety. My mantra: Surrender. 4. Be OK with Being a Nobody Coming into a new culture, I've had to start over. So many things that I see essential to who I am don't translate here at all. That includes my humor, my accomplishments in my business, and being a writer. I've had to crash and burn: give it all up. And that is pretty hard because I've been working on this identity for thirty-two years now. I am like a frail little baby taking in the world. The hardest thing is that I can't even define myself by my dreams and aspirations as a writer and entrepreneur right now. I can't pressure myself to hit huge goals with everything going on. Although it's been painful, I think it is for the good. Countless books say releasing your ego and identity is a good thing. I'm more accepting of myself as me, without the trimmings. 5. Get Rejected In my Japanese work culture, it is normal to receive criticisms, but rare to receive positive feedback. Even when I work hard to adjust, I'll get more criticism about something else. Worse, this criticism is given to me third party—my contracting company will call me to say that someone called them from my school to complain about me. It's stressful, confusing, and hard not to take personally. I don't like playing micro-management telephone! At times I've felt like someone pooped in my ego. Not only did I fear making any (more) mistakes, but of being unacceptable in some way. Was I being rejected for who I am—no matter what I do? I didn't realize how much I fear rejection. I don't like saying "konnichiwa" to someone on the street who doesn't respond, walking through a town where people don't look me in the eye, or the odd new feeling of being visibly different. I ask students, "How are you?" and half of them cringe and run away to avoid speaking English. If I butcher a Japanese name, my class of high schoolers will laugh at me—the stuff of American nightmares! I've had to accept that it is all part of the ride, and isn't about my worth as a person. I'm OK. I'm an OK person. I even had to let go of feeling like I am good at my day job since no one will go right out and say that. I have to constantly self validate, and also acknowledge that, hey, maybe my gifts and joy really are elsewhere—somewhere that feels like a better fit. (Thank God for my life back in Maryland!!) 6. Make Friends Sometimes I've felt so bad I've wanted to hide in a cave. But life can have a dramatic turn around with the addition or strengthening of a single connection. One really good friend can make a huge difference in your life. It's nice to have quantity, but quality outshoots everything I have my business best-friend who I can only get on the phone with weekly, but we send voice notes and messages most days, too. In September, I met a French-Canadian artist in Japan who immediately felt like family, reminding me I'm not alone. Friends can vent with each other, share all the thoughts and fears that go through our head--even when we know it is irrational. It doesn't even have to be about solving a problem, just releasing the noise. Sometimes it's nice for someone to be on our side and tell us it makes sense that we feel that way. In a culture that is very different--this is honestly SO healing and needed because it is very easy to feel misunderstood or like no one "gets me." My trip hasn't been what I expected, but I have no regrets! I prevail, stronger than ever.
Lessons From Living in Japan by Sofia Wren
Sofia Wren, M.A. helps writers and entrepreneurs make more progress without stopping. Writing and creating helps you to be more you, and be celebrated. Sofiawren.com Sofia@Sofiawren.com. Next issue she’ll write about letting go, not fighting hard--is it the real key to life?
This is the 2nd piece in a series of articles Kim Eley is doing for On Purpose Woman Magazine on Writing Your Book. Check out the 1st article in the Jan/Feb edition at www.OnPurposeWomanMagazine.com. There’s an amazing concept in French cooking called “mise en place.” It literally means “put in place,” but it is actually a way to organize all of your ingredients. Chefs recommend having all of your ingredients measured and ready for you to use before you start cooking. We can use the same principles for “mise en place” in our writing by fully understanding what we are writing about, who our audience is, and how we want them to feel once they’ve read our writing. You may start by selecting your topic! And now you’re ready to roll, right? Yes and no. Yes, hooray, you have selected a topic! But no, while you have a good start, there are a few more decisions for you to make before you start writing. Selecting a topic for your writing is much like choosing a protein before you cook a meal. While you are now focused on the “meat” of your writing, there are so many ways you can prepare and serve up your writing. Here’s a recipe we can use: One Juicy Topic Multiple Ideal Readers One Consistent Tone Let’s say our juicy topic is beekeeping! As a topic, beekeeping offers danger (beestings!), intrigue (how does beekeeping work, anyway?) and also sweet mystery (if I read your writing, can I use what I learn to raise my own honey?) But before you begin writing about beekeeping, you need to ask yourself: Who are my ideal readers? Are you reaching out to novice beekeepers who know nothing about the topic? Or are you writing for experienced beekeepers who have mastered the basics and now want to learn advanced techniques? Are you writing for beekeepers who live in a rural setting, or in a big city? Or are you steering away from nonfiction writing altogether, and plan to write about a fictitious character who raises bees? (I’m thinking of something similar toThe Beekeeper’s Daughter: A Novel). Identifying the ideal readers for your book before you begin means your book will cater specifically to their wants and needs. For our beekeeping example, let’s say we will write for novice beekeepers in the United States who live in a large city. We’ll write a nonfiction book that will include a glossary of beekeeping terms for our newbies (or “newbees!”), so they can learn more and become educated about the topic. The book may also include guidelines for specific U.S. cities, and a reference with websites on beekeeping in cities for additional information. Through our example, we’ve gotten specific about the topic, which enables us to reach our audience of new U.S. beekeepers living in an urban setting. Another smart move is getting to know your ideal readers. Why do the new beekeepers want to take up this new hobby? Are they motivated to save the bees for the environment, are they interested in having fresh honey available, or are they motivated by a combo of both? You can learn more about their motivations by asking people in the demographic for your ideal reader group. For example, with our novice city-dwelling beekeepers, you could do a Google search for the topics that interest them about beekeeping. Or you could search for Facebook groups on beekeeping and see what their members are writing about. Another source is researching if there is a Meetup group for city beekeepers, and consider attending a meeting. Another approach is to search online for other books about beekeeping. Perhaps there are already other books that exist, but you find they are missing something you feel you can add. Fantastic! Our strategic plan is getting specific. The next “ingredient” in our writing recipe is tone. Do you plan to write a more formal or informal book? Do you feel your readers will appreciate a fun and playful tone? Or do you feel they would prefer a no-nonsense, straightforward approach to reading your book? Again, consulting your ideal readers is a smart idea. You could do an online search for demographics for your ideal reader. For our example, we could search for the average age of a city-loving “wannabee” beekeeper. Are they mostly men or women, or a pretty even split of both? Are there any additional characteristics they have in common? Knowing the generation (Boomer, Gen X, Millennial, Gen Z, etc.) of your ideal reader will enable you to research what types of books and tones appeal most. Now that you have prepared your “ingredients” for your writing, I suggest that you keep a list of your ideal readers’ characteristics, your intention, and your tone next to you as you write. This list is your organized “mise en place,” and having it available means you are ready to write! To continue our example, once I was ready to start writing about novice beekeepers raising hives in U.S. cities, I would keep a list similar to this one handy as a reminder: Ideal reader is a novice beekeeper who lives in a large city that allows its residents to raise bees at their downtown residences. They are about 45-55 years old, a Boomer, which means they love stories that tug at their heartstrings, such as saving the bees who have been threatened by a condition called colony collapse. They also like a direct and clear approach, so nonfiction writing with direct tips for beekeeping would appeal. I hope this example gives you some insight into how to prepare for your writing. With much of the thought work done upfront with the “mise en place” technique, it becomes easier to stick to your topic, tone, and approach. Your ideal readers will be receptive to read your message! I encourage you to start “cooking” up your incredible writing today!
“Mise En Place” For Your Writing by Kim Wells Eley
What Are You Writing About?
Kim is a speaker, author, & publisher. A cat lover and a collector of orchids, she gets all of her news from comedy channels. KWE Publishing (804) 536-1972 kwe@kwepub.com www.kwepub.com
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I am a Native American Artist, and a member of the Southeastern Cherokee Nation out of Georgia who is included in the SECCI Tribal Roll . My piece used for the cover is “Lora’s Sunrise.” As the owner of Spirt Fire Art and an artist with no schooling or formal training, I’ve worked for years developing my unique style using pastelle and watercolors. Through my work I have developed a vision that I share through my “Spirit Paintings.” As a nationally recognized artist, my hope is to invoke my presence of spiritual empowerment and gratitude into each of my paintings. I also teach the energy of intention and wellness and believe that a connection through art is a connection through spirit. I live with bipolar disorder, and use my art and time at shows to educate people in order to eradicate stigma. I always meet someone in need of outreach or has a family member in need. Many of my pieces are part of an ongoing series entitled “Women In Prayer” which started many years ago. Please check out my work at www.SpiritFireArt.com.
Cover Artist Stacey Littledeer
Once You Know Your Purpose, Then What? Ginny Robertson interviewed by Kathryn Yarborough
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A Tip for Building an Innovative Business and Life (Tip #2 of 8)
Notice What Turns You On by Andrea Hylen
In college, I studied Human Sexuality as part of my Social Work degree from Temple University. Reading the book, “Our Bodies, Ourselves,” written by the Boston Women’s Health Collective, was the first time I can remember hearing the voices of women sharing their experiences with vulnerability and information about a woman’s body. One evening, I sat in a woman’s circle where every woman was handed a plastic speculum, a mirror, a flashlight, and lubrication. We were taught how to do a self-exam of our breasts and our genitals. All of the women took off their pants and underwear, lay down on blankets and pillows, and prepared to follow the step-by-step instructions to touch and examine our own bodies. I remember the exclamations of awe and joy and tears when a woman saw her cervix, in a hand-held mirror, for the first time. Women empowering women in a circle gathering. That was 1978, and I was 22 years old. Looking back at this 40 years later, I can see that that moment of women’s empowerment ignited something in me. I saw a new possibility for women to own their power and pick up a “baton” of leadership in their lives. Empowering each other with dominion over our own bodies. This was an early experience in my young adult life that “turned me on.” It lit me up from the inside out and showed me my passion and purpose in this lifetime. This has been a recurring theme woven into every fiber of my life: embodied personal power and leadership development of women. One of my “covert” empowering women jobs was when I was a Computer Software Trainer at a pharmaceutical company in Baltimore in the early ’90s, I taught women and men how to use computer software to meet their job requirements. Teaching, and witnessing what was happening, I could see that every time a woman learned something new on the computer, she stood taller and had more confidence in herself and in her job. Her face would light up. She would smile, accompanied by a deep breath and a release of tension. One of the women I trained during that time contacted me eight years after I left the job to tell me how much the training and the conversations had impacted her life choices. She claimed her power and took charge of a personal health crisis, left an abusive marriage, and found a new job where she felt seen and valued. She said it took time to make changes and reclaim power, but those conversations around a computer screen opened her mind to new possibilities. She wanted me to know that I had made a difference in her life. For ten years, I was a leader of girls in Girl Scout troops and Destination Imagination teams. All of the troop leaders and the larger community gave girls opportunities to follow and lead. We connected with troops that were different from ours in culture, religion, and race. Our intention was to expand their view of the world and to show how we can find connection with everyone. We showed them how to collaborate. We taught the girls how to use a sewing machine, set up a tent, and cook over a fire, shoot a bow and arrow, create plays and costumes and be of service to the community. We participated in stream cleanups, food drives, making toiletry bags for the homeless, and holiday sing-a-alongs at the nursing home. Selling cookies was a chance to set up a business, handle money, display the product, and talk to people.“Would you like to buy some cookies? What is your favorite cookie? My favorite is… How many would you like to buy today?” Leadership of self and others. And when I started a non-profit called Heal My Voice in 2010, to support women in healing a story about trauma, loss, and grief, the mission statement included the words: “to empower women to reclaim inner authority and step into greater leadership in their lives.“ Through writing, sharing in the on-line, global community, and speaking on the radio, women supported each other to be leaders in their homes, businesses, communities, and the world. In the Jan/Feb issue of On Purpose Woman Magazine, I shared Tip #1: Be willing to go on the ride. ”There was a spark and a desire to say yes to “something.” A business idea, a relationship, a class, or in my case, I shared a story about a water slide at an amusement park. In Tip #2: Notice what turns you on, there is something in the desire that lights you up and ignites your passion. You can feel it in your body and heart. That is the key. The desire turns on a feeling and a sensation in your body. Be willing to go on the ride. Notice what turns you on and reconnect to that feeling over and over and over again!
I remember the exclamations of awe and joy and tears when a woman saw her cervix, in a hand-held mirror, for the first time.
To expand this tip: Stay open to what you are feeling. Be present and let it build. Add in a dose of curiosity and wonder. Ask yourself: Why did that book, conversation, event, or thought light up a passion? Write down words to describe the situation, so you remember. Notice how this ‘turned on’ feeling connects to a desire.
Andrea Hylen: Author of Heal My Voice: An Evolutionary Woman’s Journey. Creator of The Writing Incubator, on-line writing community. www.andreahylen.com
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Sharla Brown One Woman Can Change the World By Kathryn Yarborough
Last week I went to a Fearless Women’s Summit in Orlando, Florida. I had no idea what to expect. I heard about this event through a Facebook ad that invited me to register for a low fee.After seeing the ad multiple times, I thought, What the heck, I’ll give it a try. When I showed up, there were all types of women gathering in the hotel event room. The women were dressed from casual to professional. They were diverse in both age and ethnicity. As the seats filled, I introduced myself to a couple of my neighbors who, like me, appeared to be alone. Both of these women shared that they had responded to a Facebook ad as well and didn’t know what to expect. As we got to know each other, I discovered, that like me, they were on purpose women and curious about this event. The first speaker was Sharla Brown, the founder of One Woman, the organization putting on the event. The website says that One Woman is a “global social enterprise on a mission to help women and girls around the globe live their dreams and reach their full potential through education, skills training and entrepreneurship.” As Sharla’s voice resonated throughout the room, I was struck by her passion, courage, and conviction. In 2015, after leaving a government career without a clear idea of what she was going to do next, Sharla went on a life changing trip to the Amazon Rain forest in Ecuador. During this trip, she assisted in building a “women’s empowerment center.” While on this trip, Sharla was inspired with the idea for the One Woman organization. As she spoke to us, she shared her realization that all women, no matter where they live, have the same goals; to have a better life, to give their children a better future, and to make a difference in their communities. Her words rang true to me. She is passionate about empowering women and girls through education, employment skills and entrepreneurship. She believes in investing in women to break the cycle of poverty for themselves, their families, their communities and even for entire countries. What I love about her business is that it’s a three-legged approach to empowering ALL women. With one leg, she organizes projects and fund raising with and for women living in developing countries. The second leg of One Woman includes 41 Fearless Women’s Summits in 2020 at locations in the United States, Australia, New Zealand, and Canada. The third leg provides opportunities to speakers and leaders to share their knowledge and skills at her summits and through the online courses she sells to her community. At the end of the summit, I was inspired by the speakers, by Sharla’s courage to take action and manifest her vision, and by all the women in the room who wanted to make their lives better.In just a few years, Sharla has created a world-wide community with several hundred members. Her Facebook page has over 300,000 followers. And I found myself wondering if I’d be speaking at one of her events in the future. I was so impressed with what Sharla has created that I asked her if she’d be willing to be featured in an article in On Purpose Woman Magazine. When I asked her, she said, “yes!” Check out the One Woman website at https://onewoman.ca/ for yourself and see what you think.
Kathryn Yarborough is the creator of the Manifesting Clients Academy, an inspirational speaker, and the creative director of On Purpose Woman Magazine.
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Using Writing to Heal; a Journey to Purpose and Joy by Laura DiFranco
I've used writing as a healing tool since I was fifteen. The pages of my journals as an adult are similar now, oddly enough, filled with longing for love, belonging, confusion, pain…What I know now that I didn't know then is that every time I put pen to paper, I was shifting the energy inside, a Feng Shui of the soul. I smile as I look back at some of those old pages and notice a poem, my favorite form of writing nowadays. There's a psychological term for using the writing of your story as a healing tool; narrative therapy. As we write our stories, we give them a witness. We pour awareness all over ourselves. We're able to step outside of ourselves and observe. This is so important. This awareness is a healing process. I've loved discovering all the many tools on the healing journey, but this one tool of writing has been one of the most powerful for me. During my dabblings with awareness, I explored using things like breathwork, meditation, myofascial release, therapeutic movement, dance, craniosacral therapy, and many other powerful modalities. Therapeutic writing has transformed the awareness and feeling practice to a discipline of making purpose and joy the forefront of my life. It's the way I can live out loud in full expression of the deepest and most juicy parts of myself and the journey I'm on. I've had a lifetime of training in feeling and healing, and the writing is the tool for sharing those gifts with others. Moving from a journaling practice to writing out loud for others to read took courage. But on the path of facilitating a healing process in other people, what I realized is that I had a duty to share like that, to go first, to be vulnerable. And that, in the form of my writing, was the gift I was born to share with others. Probably one of the biggest realizations so far is that my perfect brokenness, all the ways my wounds make me who I am today (a brave, badass warrior), was what I had to share. This is along with using words, written or spoken, to unapologetically be myself and go for the purpose and joy I know I was meant to experience. Because yes, feeling all the pain means we get to feel all the joy too. Here's a poem that I journaled out one day recently about being perfectly broken. I hope you'll receive the idea that you, in exactly the version you are in, sitting there reading these words, are good enough, and desperately needed in this world. You might pick up your journal and pen after you read it, take a few deep breaths, and then fill in the blank: I feel _____. Sometimes the ache is so bad you can't breathe. Hours disappear and you don't remember how you got from there to here and you'd swear the death grip in your chest will be the end. One more second. One more gasp. You even gently wait for it. But that's the thought that opens you up cracks the window lets in the breeze. An inhale so big it breaks your soul free to cry to be broken perfectly. Simultaneously the grip eases helping you realize it's not here to stay but to help you train; condition your heart, strengthen that part always worried it can't carry the weight of the world one more day. Follow the ache to the breath to the thought to the ease to the strength to the knowing. Your heart will carry all the sorrow and all the joy without bursting without busting without exploding or ripping apart. But sometimes this starts with an ache so bad you're convinced everything you've built will all come crashing down when really it's just about to get good. And what you can do is remember to believe breathe feel and be perfectly broken. Your words will change the world when you're brave enough to share them. Your story matters. What if what you're still a little afraid to share is exactly what someone else needs to hear to change their life? It's time to be brave.
Laura Di Franco, MPT can help you have fun with fear and write, speak and share words that leave the legacy you were born for. Time to be brave! Email Laura at bewarriorlove@gmail.com
...every time I put pen to paper, I was shifting the energy inside.
Perfectly Broken
Online Events Connections Thru Conversation Online Gatherings for All On Purpose Women 1st Mondays and 3rd Wednesdays 1-2pm Eastern / 10 – 11am Pacific Online, on Zoom Free Register at http://onpurposewomancommunity.com/online/ Monday, March 2 and Wednesday, March 18 Topic for both gatherings: Conversations - The Different Types, Why They Matter, and How to Start Them Monday, April 6 or Wednesday, April 15 Topic for both gatherings: Encouragement - Where and How to Give It and Get It Contact: Kathryn Yarborough at Kathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com
Events To Attend
Florida Events Manifesting Clients Hoopla A combination of a fun, interactive workshop and networking event. $35 when you pre-register with this code: ONE Pre-register at www.ManifestingClientsHoopla.com Friday, March 6, 1:00 – 4:00pm Lake Mary, Florida Friday, March 27, 1:00 – 4:00pm Melbourne, Florida Saturday, April 18, 1:00 – 4:00pm Dr. Phillips (Orlando), Florida Contact: Kathryn Yarborough at Kathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com
Maryland Virginia Events On Purpose Woman Community – Connections Over Coffee Just For Women 10am – Noon 1stTuesday – Baltimore (Roland Park) MD, Keswick Wise & Well Center 1stFriday – Richmond VA, Unity Bon Air 2ndThursday – Rosedale MD, Apapacho 2ndFriday – Annapolis MD, Unity By the Bay 3rdMonday – Lutherville MD, Home of Ginny Robertson 3rdThursday – Bethesda MD, Bodyworks Physical Therapy Last Monday – Fort Washington MD, Storyweaving Retreat Center Last Tuesday – Frederick MD, The Common Market Community Room Last Friday – Columbia MD, Nourishing Journey Guests attend 3 times for free. www.OnPurposeWomanCommunity.com Contact:ginnypresleyrobertson@gmail.com Mid-Atlantic Spiritual Science Academy – Year One Class Starts September 9, 7:00 pm – 9:45 pm Planet Soul Holistic Community. NW Baltimore (Pikesville), MD 21208 Ongoing, Weekly, Life-changing, Progressive Metaphysical School: Esoteric Books * Healing * Transformation Rev. Robin planetsoul@verizon.net (410) 581-9022 Connections Thru Conversation Online Gathering for All On Purpose Women Monday, March 2, 1-2pm Eastern / 10 – 11am Pacific Online, on Zoom Free Register athttp://onpurposewomancommunity.com/online/ Topic: Conversations - The Different Types, Why They Matter, and How to Start Them Contact: Kathryn Yarborough atKathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com Connections Thru Conversation Online Gathering for All On Purpose Women Wednesday, March 18, 1-2pm Eastern / 10 – 11am Pacific Online, on Zoom Free Register athttp://onpurposewomancommunity.com/online/ Topic: Conversations - The Different Types, Why They Matter, and How to Start Them Contact: Kathryn Yarborough atKathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com Connections Thru Conversation Online Gathering for All On Purpose Women Monday, April 6, 1-2pm Eastern / 10 – 11am Pacific Online, on Zoom Free Register athttp://onpurposewomancommunity.com/online/ Topic: Encouragement - Where and How to Give It and Get It Contact: Kathryn Yarborough atKathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com Connections Thru Conversation Online Gathering for All On Purpose Women Wednesday, April 15, 1-2pm Eastern / 10 – 11am Pacific Online, on Zoom Free Register athttp://onpurposewomancommunity.com/online/ Topic: Encouragement - Where and How to Give It and Get It Contact: Kathryn Yarborough atKathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com Manifesting Clients Hoopla Friday, March 6, 1:00 – 4:00pm Lake Mary, Florida $50 at-door, $35 when you pre-register with this code: ONE Pre-register atwww.ManifestingClientsHoopla.com A combination of a fun, interactive workshop and networking event. Contact: Kathryn Yarborough atKathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com Manifesting Clients Hoopla Friday, March 27, 1:00 – 4:00pm Melbourne, Florida $50 at-door, $35 when you pre-register with this code: ONE Pre-register atwww.ManifestingClientsHoopla.com A combination of a fun, interactive workshop and networking event. Contact: Kathryn Yarborough atKathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com Manifesting Clients Hoopla Saturday, April 18, 1:00 – 4:00pm Dr. Phillips (Orlando), Florida $50 at-door, $35 when you pre-register with this code: ONE Pre-register atwww.ManifestingClientsHoopla.com A combination of a fun, interactive workshop and networking event. Contact: Kathryn Yarborough atKathryn@ManifestingClientsAcademy.com Mid-Atlantic Spiritual Science Academy – Year One Class Starts September 9, 7:00 pm – 9:45 pm Planet Soul Holistic Community. NW Baltimore (Pikesville), MD 21208 Ongoing, Weekly, Life-changing, Progressive Metaphysical School: Esoteric Books * Healing * Transformation Rev. Robinplanetsoul@verizon.net(410) 581-9022
If you missed Part 1, read it here where you can determine if you live with body shame. In this second part, I share how in the midst of unraveling layers of body shame, I developed a kind of self-love that reaches down into my bones and is felt in every fabric of my being, regardless of any external force. Look for Part 3, where I give you 13 powerful practices for busting out of body shame and into embodied self-love. Last spring, I landed in Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts Mastery Program, and my relationship to my body was shaken, rattled, and rolled. My initial purpose in enrolling was so I could better serve the women I work with and deepen my study of women's empowerment. Little did I know the Pandora's box that would open on that very first session and the healing and transformation that awaited on the other side. Little did I know that it was body shame that would most get healed. Little did I know I even held so much body shame. First, I awakened to the realization that yes, I was still body shaming myself. Then I was shaming myself for having shame. Ugh! I went back to sleep that night after that first day feeling dreadful. I had to force myself to attend the next day. My inner pot was being stirred, and it did not feel pretty. I remember Mama Gena saying that first day, "We are checking shame at the doors." She was spot on. Each time I exited through those doors, I felt like some inner knot was undone, some way of thinking or feeling about myself or women, in general, was unbound, some part of me was healed, unleashed, reclaimed — a circle of ancestors was joyfully dancing around me. While being constantly nudged out of my comfort zones by Mama Gena, aka Regena Thomashauer, alongside 900 other women in a container of the most supportive, all-accepting sisterhood, layer upon layer came unpeeled. I began to turn upside down my thinking, my beliefs, and all the ways I had been disapproving of my body as well as other bodies. One of our exercises later in the program was to praise our own breasts (the part I most shamed) in a group of three and then praise the breasts of the others. Whoa! One of my praises was that my breasts had fed and nourished three healthy babies. Not to mention my narrow hips delivered three babies all naturally with little to no tearing. Afterward, my group folded into each other with such relief and elation. How could we have been so disapproving of the miracles that were our divine bodies? As a result of the inner work I had already done leading up to this program, the program itself, amazing ongoing sisterhood, and self-love practices (you'll see in Part 3) I began treating my relationship to my body the way I would treat any other dear relationship, with the utmost respect, attention, compassion, and adoration. The more I was with the mix of other women, a wide gamut of sizes, shapes, ages, and colors, each and every one absolutely beautiful, the more I could stop comparing and judging. We were in this together, and we all had our struggles with body shaming in varying degrees. Body shaming no more. I am liberated, free to be myself. I love my naked body. As I was releasing this shaming, a funny thing happened. I fell in love with my entire being. The self-love I held before all this was conceptual, intellectual, heady. Now I feel embodied in self-love. This self-love is deeper, unshakeable, passionate, and contagious. I no longer take the locker in the far reaches of the locker rooms or apologize to the mammogram technician for being so small. I unapologetically reveal my body, from head to toe. Nothing to improve or fix there. If everything and everyone on this planet is an expression of god/goddess/divine, then so am I, and I am perfect and beautiful just the way I am. I am a woman embodied in her feminine power, a goddess! Now I can go shopping, and instead of getting down or pissed off because there is nothing I can fill out, I instead look for clothes that accentuate my best parts and that I just feel really great in. True love for self (and anyone for that matter) is an embodiment. Think of the person you love most in your life. How does that love feel in your body? Perhaps you get a warm, fuzzy feeling, or you feel like giving that person a big hug. Now ask yourself how love for yourself feels in your body. If I'm really loving myself, I feel it in my body like a warm hug from a trusted friend. I'm delighted to catch a reflection of my body in a mirror. I shower myself with praise, regardless if anyone else is. I want to dress well and beautify myself just because it feels good to me. I want to treat her like a queen. Breadcrumbs will not do! This embodied self-love is not like heady self-love. If I'm in heady self-love, I have to say to myself, "Ok, today I am going to love myself." and then I force some action to make it look like I'm loving myself." It's intellectualized. If this is where you're at, know it's perfect and beautiful. Often this is where self-love begins, like the old saying, "Fake it til you make it." Embodied self-love is embedded in my heart. It's felt in my body from the inside-out. Yes, some days, it might seem like more work than other days to give myself acts of love. Isn't that like all relationships? We have to work at our intimate relationships to keep them thriving and growing. So it is with our relationship to ourselves, if not more so. And maybe someday all stores will even carry size 00. You, too, can embody your self-love. Stay tuned for Part 3 in the next issue to learn how to bust through your body shame with concrete practices that will help you feel into loving yourself whole bodily!
From Body Shame to Body Love Part 2
From Body Shame to Body Love Part 2 How to Bust Through Body Shame & Embody Self-Love by Karen Tasto
How could we have been so disapproving of the miracles that were our divine bodies?
I am liberated, free to be myself. I love my naked body.
Karen Tasto is a certified women's empowerment life coach. She loves to help women break free of good girl & unleash their authentic, wild goddess selves.Schedule your Discovery Call at www.karentasto.com
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Depression A Gateway to Healing by Sarah Van Sciver
My body trembled as I sat and listened to Mary (my would-be therapist), and all the pain that I had locked up inside for the past several years began to unravel. As tears formed, I told her I no longer knew what my life was about. I had lost touch with my creativity and questioned if I had a purpose. I had no idea who or what God was anymore, and I no longer felt like I really belonged on the earth. Because I had been cycling between depression and anxiety for years and recently diagnosed with bipolar 2, I had lost trust with myself and my body, which was reflected in not being able to trust others or life. The depression I felt was heavy and steeped in shame, so I rarely talked about it with others and instead, put on a happy face even when I felt like I was crumbling inside. The depression reached a head that year, and while I experienced suicidal ideation in the past, this time, it came in with a vengeance. When I started therapy, I felt broken and hopeless that I could somehow be "fixed." I had already tried many different healing modalities and diets over the years to feel better. While I had some relief, I had never felt I really understood the root of my suffering. But something felt different with this type of therapy. I'd never worked with horses, who were a big part of the therapy process at a farm called Great Strides in Damascus, MD. When I stepped on the farm that first day, I could feel something about the horses that I longed for - freedom. I didn't know if it was possible for me to experience this in my life, but I felt they could at least teach me something about it. During my healing process, I slowly began to understand that I wasn't broken and that my emotions - including my depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies - were actually my body's deep wisdom alarming me that there was something I wasn't processing or paying attention to. In Karla McLaren's work, emotions are viewed as simply energy, requiring specific actions in order for them to be processed in our bodies and hearts. Each emotion has a message, and there are specific questions we can ask ourselves to move us through an emotion, rather than become stuck in a story around it. For depression, it's message is "ingenious stagnation," and it's considered the "stop sign of the soul." And the questions associated with it are: "Where has my energy gone? What activities or relationships drain my energy the most? What new direction gives me energy?" Each emotion also has a heightened state when we avoid its message. When we don't listen to the message of depression, our body signals become stronger, and we begin to feel "a loss of self, a loss of our life's purpose. We may have suicidal urges, and we may become physically ill." When I began to apply these messages and questions to my life, I started to understand that my depression was showing me some very deep truths about myself. For the first time, I understood that my suicidal thoughts were not telling me that I actually wanted to die. My body was sending me a message that something in my life needed to die for me to fully live. This was a huge breakthrough moment as I began to pull back the layers of issues that kept me from feeling truly alive. I realized for the first time that my marriage was unhealthy and contributing greatly to my lack of energy and direction. The herd of horses I began working with in therapy were a huge part of these realizations. Horses naturally mirror and magnify the energy around them. When I began to engage with them, I was able to be present and in tune with my body and emotions in a way I had never experienced. It was specifically through interaction with the horses that a new awareness began to emerge. I found the courage and insight to separate from my husband of eight years. This was only the beginning of my healing as I continued to process hard emotions that had simply become stuck in my body. The experiences I had with the horses were nothing short of miraculous. Within a year, I became determined to become certified in FEEL (Facilitated Equine Experiential Learning.) Through that training, I reconnected with the purpose my soul came here to live. Since that time, I've had the honor of working with other women who also struggle with depression, anxiety, and other issues that keep them from living a full life. I now realize that the freedom I felt from the horses that first day at the farm over five years ago eventually led me to experiencing freedom in my life in a way I never could have imagined. Today I am living my purpose, living the fullest expression of myself to date and looking forward to the continuing unfoldment of discovering more of the beauty that resides within myself and others when I simply say "yes."
Sarah Van Sciver is the founder of The Untethered Mare, where she supports women struggling with depression. Her website is https://untetheredmare.com/
Doorway to Spring by Pam McFarland
Although trees are still bare, the first hints of spring—delicate purple snow crocuses and the green shoots of daffodils-- are peeking through the ground as I write this. I've always loved this time of year because it feels as if we are on the brink of a new season, a time associated with growth, rebirth, and renewal after the darkness of the winter months. On the Celtic calendar, February 1 is typically associated with St. Brigit's feast day. The origins of St. Brigit are steeped in legend and lore. The historical St. Brigit is said to have established the abbey of Kildare in Ireland during the Fifth Century. February 1 is also associated with Imbolc, a Pagan holiday associated with another, or possibly the same Brigit. St. Brigit was known for her miraculous ability to enable cows to produce abundant quantities of milk, and, according to legend, converted water to beer for a leper colony. Some describe her as a sort of bridge between Pagan and early Christian traditions. Centuries later, an Irish mystic and poet, John O'Donohue, wrote about the thin, liminal time between winter and spring in a short essay called "Thresholds," which appeared in his book,To Bless the Space between Us. The beginning of his essay begins with these words: “Within the grip of winter, it is almost impossible to imagine the spring. The gray perished landscape is shorn of color. Only bleakness meets the eye; everything seems severe and edged. Winter is the coldest season; it has some quality of the absolute. Yet beneath the surface of winter, the miracle of spring is already in preparation; the cold is relenting; seeds are wakening up. Colors are beginning to imagine how they will return. Then, imperceptibly, somewhere one bud opens, and the symphony of renewal is no longer reversible. From the black heart of winter, a miraculous, breathing plenitude of color emerges.” © John O'Donohue To Bless the Space Between Us In the next several paragraphs of his piece O'Donohue, who died in 2008, expanded beyond seasonal transitions to all types of thresholds; those times of life when we have closed one door and are in the in-between time, about to step through another door. In the February 2020 issue of Poetry magazine, poet Maggie Smith writes about the idea of not just one such threshold, but "doorway after doorway." Read her poem here: It can be helpful to think about your thresholds in life as a way to gain clarity about your circumstances, choices you must make, and what is important to you. Try journaling around either of these prompts: What do you feel you are moving toward in your life?How do you feel about the things/places/people you are leaving behind, and what emotion(s) do you feel about what is coming? Write about the different thresholds you've crossed in your life. Write about one specific one that changed your life significantly. What did you learn from that crossing? Sometimes we can come to a better understanding and appreciation of ourselves and our lives by reflecting on the thresholds we have crossed.
Pam McFarland is a freelance writer and editor. She also teaches experiential workshops that include poetry and expressive writing. She will be teaching a six-week writing and journaling class at Montgomery College's Lifelong Learning Institute beginning March 26 at the Wheaton Library in Wheaton, Md. For more information, go to www.dragonflycomm.com
The Value of Failure by Monyka Berrocosa
Failure should be viewed ... as a chance to learn and grow.
Periods of crisis are challenges by the universe to upset our "cementment of contentment," shift energy, make space for new opportunities, and to make us grow. Failure should be viewed and welcomed as just that, a chance to learn and grow. Rarely is it seen for the benefits it brings, and most often, it is feared so much, we don't attempt things our heart and soul are begging for. In our curated society, it is easy to believe that failure is a final outcome or failure acquisition. However, failure can be a valuable tool to guide you on what is NOT good for you or guide you on the right path to take. Failure brings room for perspective and to restart better, stronger, wiser. Failure is a lesson, an experience beyond the actual dumps of it. It forces you to go beyond what didn't work and perhaps pursue a more viable path. Fear of failure prevents you from taking risks. Not taking risks may lead to eventual regret. Risks are the pathway to success and rewards. By avoiding risk out of fear of failure, you are greatly limiting your potential and possibilities, as well as better outcomes. We fear failure for the wrong reasons, many of which are invalid or limiting beliefs that hold us back from daring greatly, as Brene Brown says. We often call experience the best teacher or wisest lesson...but, we forget that failure is an integral part of success. The old adage, "If you don't succeed, try and try again," credited to William Edward Hickson urges one to fail because failure is the breeding ground of resilience and future success if you learn from it. Thomas Edison sure did in his 1000 attempts at the lightbulb, each failure shed light (pardon the pun) on what didn't work and got him closer to what did as he applied the knowledge. With a startup business, we say "fail fast" because failure is a valued tool to prevent going down the wrong path and wasting energy and resources. Failure forces a change of course, and an opportunity to grow; it is productive change in its purest form. Failure won't kill you, but it can dampen the spirit if you don't understand that its role is to teach you and point you in a better, wiser direction. Failure leads to redirection and further clarity. Failure hurts, but it is necessary, and no well-lived life is immune to it. Failure makes us who we are, and provides invaluable insight and benefits, builds resilience and forces growth when we need it the most. Failure eventually brings more value if you choose to embrace it and learn, which is the concept of "Failing Forward.” When you "fail forward," you are given the opportunity to bounce back with greater resiliency and look at it from the perspective of why things didn't work, not why you are a bad person or a failure. Writer Elizabeth Enochs says, "Research shows that fear of failure paired with feelings of incompetence can lead to the self-sabotaging kind of procrastination. Basically, if you're afraid of failure and you don't believe in yourself, then you're probably going to fail simply by not trying. Conversely, if you're somewhat afraid to fail, but you consider yourself capable of achieving your goals, then you're more likely to succeed." So what if you have failed? How do you trust that it's a lesson, not a life sentence? Be objective and view failure as what happened, not who you are. Things not working out often make us doubt and punish ourselves. View it with non-judgmental eyes and see it for what it is - an outcome - that can give you a new direction. Then you can benefit from the lesson it's teaching and how it is bringing you closer to success. Use your fear of failure to focus, but do not let it become your focus. Focus on what may have been right, despite the outcome, and how you can build on that. Take inventory of what you should do and not do again and why. Prepare yourself to do something different. There's a reason it failed. Figure that out and decide how you can do it better next time. Recall past failures that you successfully bounced back or created success from. You've done it before, you can do it again. Visualize what success looks like, and from that place, reengineer the path to achieving your goal if you take a different approach. Practice self-care all the while vowing to take one small risk daily. Get back up and get back to what you were working for. You are one step closer to success. Believe it, and keep going, and you'll get there. Here are some more resources: Don't fail fast, fail mindfully - Leticia Gasca Ted Talk 7 Steps to starting over after a failure - LinkedIn Why failure is equally important as Success - Pickthebrain.com What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
...in [Thomas Edison's] 1000 attempts at the lightbulb, each failure shed light on what didn't work and got him closer to what did as he applied the knowledge.
Maybe you need some support in making failure work better for you, or perhaps you've already attempted unsuccessfully to get past it on your own and are struggling. Find out how I can help you by going here: https://inceptiostrategy.com/about-monyka-berrocosa
Risks are the pathway to success and rewards.
The Imposter Syndrome: When Doubt Defines Us by Carol Burbank
"Doubt does not make you a fraud." Dean Valerie Ashby, Duke University
The Seeker's Disease Do you dare to push yourself past the expectations of your family, sometimes even past your own fears and ideas of yourself? I know I do, and it's opened up new territories and surprises that test my determination and curiosity while bringing new energy and more than a little vulnerability. Certainly, trust and doubt always vibrate equally as we explore, creating an opening for the Imposter Syndrome, a common symptom of the dis-ease haunting many of us seekers. It starts with a red flag, different for everyone. My first indication, after rising joy and excitement, is a familiar inner voice warning me, "Be careful! They'll find out you've never done this before!" Her childish singsong warbles, every time, "You'll get in trou-ble!" It's like that comical, scrawled sign in the haunted forest from the Wizard of Oz: "I'd Turn Back If I Were You!" It wants me to think I'm in danger, of course. But the truth is, it's just telling me I'm facing the unknown, daring to risk a new way of being that asks me to apply all my gifts and learn new skills. The danger comes when I give in to fear, and accept as true that being "found out" as uncertain will hurt me in this new territory. I'm tempted to hide, put on a mask of self-sufficiency and competence, a false front that hides all my failings and uncertainties. Once I tie that mask on, it gets harder and harder to show my true face. The foolish warning triggers all sorts of self-destructive, self-protecting habits that can snowball into full-blown Imposter Syndrome. Of course, these habits can be interrupted, and fear can become excitement once more. When I've resisted that foolish warning, I've accomplished a lot -- earned my Ph.D., started my own coaching business, and built a retreat center! Scary fun. But I know that at any point, the Seeker's Dis-ease can temporarily strike, making me forget my gifts, my hard work, my goals, and even my Self. After all, Imposter Syndrome's one of the chronic conditions of the 21st century, a time when we must either continually reinvent ourselves or risk stagnation. The key is to recognize and roust it before it derails you! Origins of the Imposter Syndrome The Imposter Syndrome is a psychological habit of self-doubt that sabotages success, especially for women. First named in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Clance and Susan Imes, it was a name for self-damaging habits of talented and successful women who routinely underestimated themselves. They wrote: "unlike men, who tend to own success as a quality inherent in themselves, women are more likely to project the cause of success outward to an external cause (luck) or to a temporary internal quality (effort) that they do not equate with inherent ability." That is, women tend to blame and shame themselves, even when they're successful, while men tend to give themselves credit for their accomplishments. Clance and Imes found two causes for the syndrome, both related to family dynamics. First, family roles sometimes stereotyped a girl's lesser intelligence, and social norms about traditional femininity created beliefs that undermine every intellectual and business success. If a girl's value comes from her feminine charms and her ability to be sensitive to social expectations, then success is always about a trick, a social performance, not her innate strengths. Second, some high-achieving girls, praised so much by their family when they accomplished anything, felt they betrayed their cheerleader parents whenever they faced difficulties and either couldn't do something or had to struggle to fulfill family expectations. Girls internalize challenges as failures when they believe that struggle indicates a lack of ability rather than an inevitable learning curve that comes with new risks and adventures. The Habit of Thinking Small Sound familiar? Both men and women are impacted by family dynamics like these, creating habits that make it hard to truly see themselves. It's even harder for those of us with high aspirations, willing to take the risks that put us in new situations. The imposter syndrome makes natural doubts turn toxic. The feeling of being a fraud, even in the face of obvious success, makes it too easy to shrug away praise, awards, and accomplishments as excessive or false. We've created a self-deprecating inner idea and projected it outside on others to verify our own feeling of smallness. We've created a story that has become a habitual identity, one that holds us back, especially when we move forward. It's bad enough that our inner sense of being a fraud might prevent us from speaking up, feeling comfortable trying something new or forming authentic relationships. Unfortunately, the people around us are too willing to mirror and even exaggerate that false inner idea. Our mentors may unconsciously confirm our feelings, and our opponents might manipulate our false beliefs to give them power. Either way, inner habits limit our ability to live authentically at the highest level of achievement and to seek satisfaction at the growing edge of risk and success. Thinking small makes it hard to live large, no matter how tightly we tie on a mask of confidence. Practice Makes Perfect Pain: Crippling Imposter Habits There are many side effects associated with the Imposter Syndrome. The most recent and thorough researcher I've found, Valerie Young, used in-depth interviews and carefully observed workshops to develop a useful list of the behavioral symptoms of embracing the Imposter Syndrome: These are the side effects that keep us small. No one will be surprised that the first step to healing is to acknowledge what's happening. When your inner habits become negative behaviors, ask yourself, "What am I getting out of this?" Are you feeding chronic perfectionism, staying safe with self-protection, proving you're right (even though you want to be wrong)? Whatever the answer, that's the why behind the habit, the emotional land mine that needs defusing so you can claim your natural genius. Young gets it right, naming the most painful consequence of falling into the Imposter Syndrome: "It's hard to feel real when you're wearing a mask." (p. 188) Young invites us to learn to reframe risk-taking as an accomplishment (shortfalls and triumphs included) and claim the "chutzpah" to play big with confidence. To get there, we have to start by retraining our thinking. Ultimately, we are only as competent as we think we are. Above all, we have to learn to accept that success is less about maintaining the mask of competence than mastering inevitable mistakes and learning curves. Feeling Real, Living Authentically Overcoming the Imposter Syndrome, through coaching, therapy, group work, and personal habit-changing practice starts with claiming your own successes. Over time, you'll master releasing the false beliefs your family and society taught you to internalize, learning instead to assess your legitimate needs, get support, and thrive instead of merely surviving. Through this process, you'll be claiming the courage to align your inner and outer lives and own your authentic brilliance. Yes, brilliance! Each of us has a calling, a place in the world where we naturally shine, whether we are learning new skills, taking on a new role. That calling is the bridge between wearing a mask of competence and claiming the authentic confidence to grow. With self-awareness and a clear calling, it's easier to set aside your falsely competent public mask and stop hiding your light under a bushel of bad habits. You will gradually find a way to professionally and honestly express yourself, sharing the fierce inner truth that shines from your core. In that light, it's possible to celebrate the flawed, growing, hard-working, and highly skilled person you really are. You will be able to say, as one of Clance and Imes' recovered Imposters did, "I am talented and intelligent. I have learned and achieved a tremendous amount. It is all right for me to believe in my own abilities and strengths." Does that sound like bragging to you? Then it's time to shed your imposter fears, and start strutting – that is, claiming your strengths inside and out! Do the world a favor and honor the Seeker in you, claiming that risk-loving, confident, curious, passionate soul that hears and answers the call to adventure. Trust that you'll be guided by Spirit to map new territories as you learn your way into the unknown, as long as you let yourself be yourself along the way. Being right, following the rules, and hiding away may feel safe, but no one finds bliss behind a mask! So take the leap – follow your bliss – and embrace excitement and doubt, fear and discovery, gaining new skills and accomplishments as you expand your growing edge. It is the journey that makes us real and sustains authenticity within our psyche and outside it, in healthy relationships, self-expression, and satisfying work.
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The behavioral symptoms of embracing the Imposter Syndrome: 1.Overpreparing and hard work 2.Holding back 3.Maintaining a low or ever-changing profile 4.Using charm or perceptiveness to win approval 5.Procrastination 6.Never finishing 7.Self-sabotage
Suggested resources: Valerie Young,The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It.NY: Crown Business, 2011. Carol Burbank,Storyweaving Playbook One: Answer the Call to Adventure!MD: Storyweaving Press, 2015. Pauline Clance & Suzanne Imes, "Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice,15(3), 1978.
It's possible to celebrate the flawed, growing, hard-working, and highly skilled person you really are.
Carol Burbank is a writing mentor, editor, and writer, founder of the Storyweaving Retreat Center in Fort Washington, MD. In March, Hawaiian Energetics classes begin with an Initial Training and a class in the old ways of Ho’oponopono. Contact her atcburbank@storyweaving.com. This article was original printed in Science of Mind Magazine.
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