On Purpose Woman
A Force for Good
Nov/Dec 2019
FREE
On Purpose Woman Publisher/Editor Ginny Robertson Creative Director Kathryn Yarborough Contributing Writers: Carol Burbank Laura DiFranco Andrea Hylen Lisa McCall Pamela McFarland Dali Rivera Ginny Robertson Karen Tasto Cover Art by Monica Obaga
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On Purpose Woman Magazine is published bi-monthly online. We reserve the right to edit or reject any material submitted. Neither the publishing team or the advertisers accept responsibility for errors. Publication and distribution of this magazine does not constitute an endorsement of information, products or services. The publisher reserves the right to reject any advertisement or listing for any reason. To reproduce articles, always credit On Purpose Woman Magazine with the link to the issue. Also, credit the author and leave their bio and contact info intact.
Letter from the Publisher Thank you for opening up On Purpose Woman Magazine. If you’re looking for inspiration, motivation, or education, you’ll want to dive into this issue. There are articles for your mind, body, spirit and business, and they’ll each take you anywhere from a little over a minute to 5 minutes to read. It’s a great use of your time! I’m grateful to our writers for sharing their expertise, wisdom, and heart with all of you. If an article speaks to you, please reach out and let them know. And, if you’re a recovering good girl or serial volunteer, be sure to read my article on “The Spirituality of Service.” I’d love to hear your thoughts. Our advertisers are why you get On Purpose Woman Magazine for free. If you need a product or service, check them out. And, if you have a product or service that you want to present to a broader audience, check out our advertising rates at www.OnPurposeWomanMagazine.com. With our new bi-monthly schedule you pay for one month, but the magazine is available, and we’ll be promoting it and your ad, for two months. Want to write for us? You can get info on the website as well. And, if you’re not getting the magazine in your inbox, sign up there. If you’re not part of the On Purpose Woman Community and want to be, there are some ways you can participate. Check us out at www.OnPurposeWomanCommunity.com. There are in-person events around Maryland and in Richmond VA and online events four times a month. A new in-person meeting started in Fort Washington MD in October and we’ll start a meeting in the Roland Park area of Baltimore in January. You can get info on all of that on the website. And be sure to check out our Facebook group where you can connect, learn, grow and promote. Click for Facebook group.
Ginny
4 Letter from the Publisher Ginny Robertson 8 Discover Your True Potential Andrea Hylen 16 Tips for Shifting Overwhelm to Calm Laura Di Franco 24 From Body Shame to Body Love: How to Bust Through Body Shame & Embody Self-Love Karen Tasto 32 My Story Monica Obaga (Our cover artist) 36 Living the Rhythm of Your Soul Lisa McCall 40 Business Directory 46 What We Take For Granted Dali Rivera 52 Journaling as a Way to Prep for Those Difficult Relatives over the Holidays Pamela McFarland 60 Lighting the Leadership Lamp: Your Most Important Tool Carol Burbank 66 The Spirituality of Service Ginny Robertson
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Inside On Purpose Woman...
Riding on the Metro into Washington, DC, I closed my eyes for a short meditation and asked the question, “Why am I here? Why am I in DC again?” I had unexpectedly returned to the DC area to live in a client’s home for the second time in a year. I knew I was here to support her while she went through a divorce and watch her dogs when she traveled. In exchange, I had a bedroom, an office, and full use of the house. It was a perfect temporary living arrangement for both of us. But, why was I ‘called back’ here for a second time? What was bubbling under the surface for me to see? At the next metro stop, I opened my eyes and saw a sign just beyond the open doors, ‘Discover Your True Potential.’ There was something about the words that I connected with immediately. “Got it,” I said out loud to no one in particular. “I’m here to discover my true potential.” At the next stop, I got off the train, walked up the stairs, and braced myself for the cold winter wind blowing in from the street. I was on my way to a meeting with Keith, a man I knew from a coaching program I had been in a few years earlier. He was building a community of people, and I had been helping out at some of the meetings and in their online community. The sign, ‘Discover Your True Potential,’ helped me be more conscious about what was happening. For the next five months, I would have opportunities to teach, co-lead, and develop new material for my business. I practiced setting new boundaries, using my voice in a different way, and course-correcting along the way when I didn’t like the way something felt. I had a chance to be more of myself by taking risks in a community that opened their arms to me. I got to see what I was capable of when working with a colleague who was a, ‘Yes’ to anything I wanted to try. “I’m here to discover my true potential.” Think about your life for a minute. Think about a time when you were challenged to discover your true potential. You may think you know who you are, but until you pick up the gauntlet and walk through the fire, you don’t really know for sure. I had another experience in Washington, DC thirteen years earlier with a group of families who were all homeschooling their kids. I lived in the Baltimore area for 28 years before moving to Los Angeles. We had been touring the Smithsonian and walking all day when it was time to go to the Metro and take the train back to the New Carrolton stop where we had parked our cars. As we waited for the train in the busy station, we huddled the kids together, ages 8-12, so they could get a seat and rest. Most of the kids had entered the train and were seated when the doors to the half-empty train began to close suddenly. The platform was crowded, and none of the adults from our group were on the train yet. I was the closest person to the doors, and without thinking, I lunged my body through the crowd and into the door opening. The doors were banging closed on my backpack, and the people around me had a shocked look in their eyes at this crazy woman. I pushed again to get all the way into the train, my heart beating out of my chest. I hysterically announced to the crowd that our kids had been on the train alone. Some of the kids started crying because none of their parents were with them when we pulled away from the station. I did my best to calm them and let them know we would all be together soon. A few stops later, we exited the train and waited for their parents to join us again. I didn’t know what I was capable of until I was in that situation. I didn’t know how my instinct would kick in past my “good girl, polite self.” I didn’t know that I would shove my way into the crowd, not caring who was in my way. I had to get to the children. It was an instinct. “I’m here to discover my true potential.” How many of us take risks and discover our true potential in life? What would it take for you to discover your true potential and build an innovative business and life? A few weeks before leaving Washington, DC in 2016, and heading back to the West Coast, I had another moment on the Metro. Reflecting on how much I had learned about myself over the past five months, I saw another sign, ‘Potential Embraced.’ It made me smile and nod my head. Yes, I had been embracing my potential, and I was ready to move on to the next location. I had new ideas about my business. I had exercised new leadership muscles. I had more confidence in how I wanted to lead and live. Then, one more sign appeared. The final sign came on my last Metro trip to DC. A warm wind infused with cherry blossom petals greeted me as I walked out of the metro station and onto the street. Standing on a corner waiting for the light to change, I saw the final sign drive by on the side of a bus: ‘Potential Found.’ In the next few issues of On Purpose Woman Magazine, I’ll share some tips about building an innovative business life. See you then! Body tex
Andrea Hylen: Author of Heal My Voice: An Evolutionary Woman’s Journey. Creator of The Writing Incubator, online writing community. www.andreahylen.com
5 Reasons You Might Have Put the Brakes On Your Business With Kathryn Yarborough
1. Your vision for the future of your business doesn’t excite you. So when you imagine having more clients, something feels off and your brakes go on. 2. You’ve had negative experiences in the past so you unconsciously (or consciously) think they’ll happen again. more clients, your brakes go on. 3. You feel scared of success, failure, change, responsibility, or something else. Because of the fear, your brakes are on. 4. Someone says “No” to your offer and your brakes go on. 5. Life. Maybe a loved one needs you, so you put the brakes on your business. Maybe you need money to pay the bills, so you get a job and your business gets parked in the garage. The most important thing you can do to take the brakes off your business is to create a vision for your business that excites you so much that nothing will stop you from manifesting it. And remind yourself of this vision often.
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Calm by Laura Di Franco
10 Tips for Shifting Overwhelm to
Overwhelm is partly an over-full plate (remember to say no to anything that does not leave you with MORE energy than you started with), and partly what you're making everything mean. You can't do and be everything or be everywhere. And if you try, you'll burn out, or worse, get sick. So vow to stop the train to overwhelm. Today. Have you ever heard the quote, "If you don't have time to meditate for 20 minutes, then you need to meditate for an hour?" It's true. And along with getting still more often, I'm going to lay out 10 more solutions to overwhelm, starting now, so that you don't hit December 31st in need of a month off. 1. Practice fierce awareness. When stress moves toward overwhelm, it's usually your thoughts that are complicating the issue. Clear your mind. Be aware of what you're making things mean. 2. Write it all down. Make your lists and check them throughout the day. Cross things off one at a time. You got this. When you write it down, you'll stay more organized. 3. Set reminders on your phone. It's the age of the smartphone - use them! Set reminders for important things. 4. Delegate. Seriously - there's a helper for that. Get help. Stop doing everything yourself and then complaining when you're totally burned out. Ask for help. 5. Schedule everything. And I mean everything. You prioritize what matters and what matters needs to be scheduled, including your exercise and self-care. 6. Say no. To more than you say yes to. If you typically do everything at this time of year, decide now to say no to at least 50% of the invitations. Save your yeses for close friends and family. 7. Don't forget to exercise. You'll actually have more energy than if you don't. 8. Sleep more. Watch your sleep time during the seasons of overwhelm. Take naps. When you get enough sleep, everything is easier. 9. Limit TV. Limit as much television and social media as possible and check something more important off your list. 10. Tell someone. Talking to someone about the feeling of overwhelm can be a quick way to reduce it. Life moves at a faster pace now than ever before. We essentially compete with machines. We have to remember we're human. It's okay to slow down. And it's necessary to breathe deeply, get still, and practice being in the present moment, which is the exact moment we're creating the overwhelm in...usually by worrying about the future. One breath at a time.
This time of year can put you into a tizzy. Overwhelm is rampant and not sure about you, but I'm feeling it. Work, kid's schedule, events to attend, holidays coming... OMG, why did I say yes to that extra thing this weekend? And then I remember one thing...to feel my way through.. Overwhelm is partly an over-full plate (remember to say no to anything that does not leave you with MORE energy than you started with), and partly what you're making everything mean. You can't do and be everything or be everywhere. And if you try, you'll burn out, or worse, get sick. So vow to stop the train to overwhelm. Today. Have you ever heard the quote, "If you don't have time to meditate for 20 minutes, then you need to meditate for an hour?" It's true. And along with getting still more often, I'm going to lay out 10 more solutions to overwhelm, starting now, so that you don't hit December 31st in need of a month off. 1. Practice fierce awareness. When stress moves toward overwhelm, it's usually your thoughts that are complicating the issue. Clear your mind. Be aware of what you're making things mean. 2. Write it all down. Make your lists and check them throughout the day. Cross things off one at a time. You got this. When you write it down, you'll stay more organized. 3. Set reminders on your phone. It's the age of the smartphone - use them! Set reminders for important things. 4. Delegate. Seriously - there's a helper for that. Get help. Stop doing everything yourself and then complaining when you're totally burned out. Ask for help. 5. Schedule everything. And I mean everything. You prioritize what matters and what matters needs to be scheduled, including your exercise and self-care. 6. Say no. To more than you say yes to. If you typically do everything at this time of year, decide now to say no to at least 50% of the invitations. Save your yeses for close friends and family. 7. Don't forget to exercise. You'll actually have more energy than if you don't. 8. Sleep more. Watch your sleep time during the seasons of overwhelm. Take naps. When you get enough sleep, everything is easier. 9. Limit TV. Limit as much television and social media as possible and check something more important off your list. 10. Tell someone. Talking to someone about the feeling of overwhelm can be a quick way to reduce it. Life moves at a faster pace now than ever before. We essentially compete with machines. We have to remember we're human. It's okay to slow down. And it's necessary to breathe deeply, get still, and practice being in the present moment, which is the exact moment we're creating the overwhelm in...usually by worrying about the future. One breath at a time. Body text Body text Body text Body text Body text Body text
Laura Di Franco, MPT can help you have fun with fear and write, speak and share words that leave the legacy you were born for. Time to be brave! Email Laura at bewarriorlove@gmail.com
Calm
Laura’s ready to help you change the world with your words. Find her at www.BraveHealer.com
Body text
Big busted women get ample amounts of attention in our current culture. Small breasted? Not so much. I’m a small-breasted woman and damn proud of it! I didn’t use to be. I want to share with you how I went from intense body shame to ultimate liberation and self-love. In this first part of a 3-part series, I share my own body-shaming story. You’ll become aware of whether or not you hold body shame, and I provide questions at the end to help guide you into clarifying your own story. But first, I must put out there — Yes, I can imagine you’re thinking, “What would a small-breasted, petite woman have to feel shameful about?” This very message I told myself caused me more shame. I felt shameful about feeling body shame. I’ve never had to even go on a diet, so how could I be holding this shame? My shame story though is MY shame story, and it doesn’t make it any less shameful than a person struggling with weight issues. I was a really late bloomer. In late elementary grades, when the boys were snapping the backs of girls’ bras for whatever reason, I had none to be found. Mortifying! At the fragile age of 10, I was strolling the mall with my parents when one of my dad’s colleagues stopped and asked, “Oh, is this your son?”. Yep, beyond mortification! This seemingly innocent mistake left an imprint on me. It was probably my “Dorothy Hamill haircut,” a short hairstyle that was all the rage for young girls. I got my first period at the age of 17, just in time for college. To make matters worse, my younger sister developed before me into a full-busted young teen. I had more of a boyish figure. My family handled all this by not saying a thing to me. No one wanted to hurt my feelings. There is no one to blame here, but being who I was, I was left feeling like something was wrong with me. I carried this feeling that I wasn’t like other women through adulthood. I felt I lacked something that the club of women all had in common. I felt I lacked femininity. Yet, I was the most girly-girl there could be. In Kindergarten, I insisted on wearing dresses every day to school. I hated getting dirty. My dolls went everywhere. When I was ready to become a mom, I couldn’t conceive without the help of drugs. Another testament to my not fitting into the female club. When my first baby was born, he wouldn’t latch-on, despite my desire to breastfeed. I went to great lengths using every option I could find, while in my new mother fog, to get him to latch on. Nothing worked. I pumped for five months when I finally dried up. Another testament to add to my collection that I wasn’t measuring up to other women. My body shame really deepened after breastfeeding my third and last baby. Yes, my next two babies gratefully latched-on with ease. But by the time my youngest weaned himself after a year of nursing, my breasts deflated considerably. For a while, I didn’t think too much about it. I was so used to covering up my body except for my husband’s view. I was wrapped up in raising three boys. So, I kept my breasts covered up, padded and hidden from anyone but my husband, who, by the way, found nothing wrong with my breasts and lustfully adored my body. My man showered me with praise for my naked body for 30 plus years, but until I was ready to embody it, I couldn’t really receive his adoration. Along with all the misbeliefs and stories I played in my head like a broken record, I was also carrying the messages granted by the media. One message being that large breasts, ample cleavage, and curvy figure were the real statement of femininity, sexy and beautiful. I felt left out of the fashion industry. It can be challenging to find stores that carry size 00 or AA bra size. You may be thinking, “I would kill to have a small frame like yours.” I’m sure I’ve been the envy of other women because of my petite figure. None of that mattered though when I felt not enough. Perhaps, your shame is at the opposite end of the spectrum from mine where you’re feeling shame around being too large. I have news…it’s all shame, and it’s all the same — just different reference points. Brene Brown, the “go-to” author on shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” I know I’m in some degree of body shame when I: · Am uncomfortable being naked in front of others · Hide my body in ill-fitting clothing · Bad mouth my body with myself and others · Judge others’ bodies · Avoid talking about my own shame story · Feel I’m flawed, don’t belong or wrong in some way One addition to all that I was carrying was that I had no support network, nowhere to express what was making me feel so wrong. I was conditioned by the patriarchal world culture, the same culture that fed messages that I was not enough as I was, that I must face these pains alone. The shame lurked in the dark crevices of myself. A part of me knew it was there, but I wasn’t daring to go looking for it much less turn it on its head. I was living in a fog of body shaming without realizing what I was missing out on. Why would I want to stir that up? What would I find? I had done a ton of work around self-love, and I was loving myself pretty well, or so I thought. What is Your Body Shame Story? Here are some questions to help get you started… What parts of your body feel wrong, flawed, too much, or not enough? What messages or thoughts do you tell yourself about your body? Where did you get the messages that your body was not okay the way it was? What earliest memories do you hold that contributed to any feelings of not belonging or that something was wrong with you? What are your deepest secrets around your body that you have kept hidden from your inner circle? In what ways has living in body shame held you back from living a full life? How has body shame left you feeling? How do you imagine you could feel if you were free of all body shame? I’m holding you with such love and compassion if you feel propelled to write your own story of body shame. It may just be what you need to begin the process of healing your shame, or it may be the final piece you need to finally unravel it. In Part 2 of this series, I’ll share how my body shame arose again within community and how I finally broke free from its chains. Look for Part 3, where I’ll share my 13 powerful practices for transforming your body shame into embodied self-love.
From Body Shame to Body Love How to Bust Through Body Shame & Embody Self-Love By Karen Tasto
Karen Tasto empowers women to tune in and turn on their fullest feminine expressions for living the lives they desire. Check out her offering, From Body Shame to Body Love Intensive held this Fall. https://karentasto.com/the-goddess-within/
I've been doodling all my life. My math exercise books in Standard 3 can prove it, wherever it is... Up until I was 12, I thought I would be a fashion designer. Unfortunately, education got in the way, and I gave it up to pursue a 'proper' career trajectory. The good news is that I came to my senses about five years ago and started drawing again, and it even pays bills now! What I love most about being creative is that it's the thing that can take a situation from hopeless to endless in possibility. Creativity is inherently human because we don't know the future. We're creating each moment as we live it. If creation is the act of making from nothing, then creativity the attitude required for it to happen. I was born and raised in Nairobi, Kenya, and currently live in Washington, DC. I would describe my aesthetic as colorful, minimal, and African. My first real color palette was based on Maasai beadwork. It's evolved over the years, but that was my way of stamping my work as African without being derivative. The abstract organic shapes in my work are directly influenced by the soapstone sculpture from Kisii, where my parents are from. I love that something that could be called 'modern minimal' is a traditional craft of my people. Projects I've worked on that make me feel like I'm making my mark include working with Girl Effect on illustrating their global teen-girl powered e-zine. That was one of the times I really felt like I was giving back and honoring my past. I illustrated a tote bag for a sustainable company and even carried the bag around with me all year. It fits my dressing style (unlike most of my drawings, haha). It's a great feeling regularly using an item I had a hand in creating. Body text
My Story By Monica Obaga
Cover Artist Monica Obaga Check out her work here: Website - Click here. Instagram - Click here.
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Living the Rhythm of Your Soul By Lisa McCall
The longing to belong is inherent to being human. And we tend to struggle with this since we are the only species that questions our belonging. While the first place to really belong is within your own self, it can feel daunting, mainly because it requires trusting yourself. If you feel a longing deep within to trust your inner wisdom, my novel, “The Rhythm of the Soul: A Journey of Loss and Discovery,” will resonate with you as you follow Laila on a journey of inner and outer explorations. Laila returns to the Sahara Desert to delve into the mystery of a tragic loss that happened when she was a child being raised by two anthropological parents. She feels a call to bravely go into the darkness, a void that she feels in her heart. Along the way, she reconnects with the insights of the Tuareg nomads and their ceremonial tea, her beloved camel, Anarani, and the magical voices of the desert. Laila’s quest teaches us to sink deeper into our soul and listen with the ears of our hearts to live life to its fullest. “The Rhythm of the Soul” is based on two vision quests that I took in the Sahara Desert of Algeria in 2005 and 2010. Although a fictional account, my experiences are woven into the story. Vision questing is leaving your familiar, everyday life to completely unplug from all the tasks and technology that weigh you down. You spend time in a nature setting seeking greater depth and clarity about your life purpose. You immerse into introspection, journaling, dreamwork, medicine walks, drumming, etc., all preparing you to experience solo time – being alone for up to four days and nights while fasting. Solo time is the hallmark of a vision quest where your inner nature is able to dialog with the outer nature. Much like my character Laila, I, (and the group of questers I was with), was accompanied by the Tuareg nomads and their camels. We rode deep into the desert, learning about ourselves as well as the ancient Tuareg culture and the vast, stark desert. It was as much a soulful quest as an anthropological experience. The Tuareg were an external reflection of belonging as I observed their ability to be still and open to the wisdom of their ancient culture and landscape. I realized that the void I felt in my heart was based in not trusting my inherent wisdom. By listening to my deeper voices, I understood that within the void was also my safe haven. I now trust that and thus feel more at ease in the world. But these types of explorations don’t have to take you all the way to the ends of the earth, such as the vastness of the Sahara Desert. If you heed the longing within, you will begin to choose a path that is uniquely yours. As a Certified Life Coach, I creatively inspire my clients to bravely stay the course and live the rhythm of their soul. We can all be haunted by voices in our head that like to sabotage our choices (e.g., “people pleaser,” “not good enough,” or “caretaker at all cost” are just a few examples). Through a technique called Voice Dialogue, I bring those voices out of the shadows into greater awareness, thus shifting you towards healthier choices. When you live your life, even the shadows, you begin to feel lighter. You feel a deeper, authentic connection of belonging. Let my novel and my coaching inspire you to choose a path of radical non-interference with your life so you can dance the rhythm of your soul into the world! Contact me for a free half-hour session to begin exploring your creative choices. CONTACT LISA LISA’S COACHING THE RHYTHM OF THE SOUL
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While we complain about our first world problems, others look at us in the developed world wishing to have our problems. I’ve been thinking a lot about a story I recently read. It was about the experience that Soad, a grand- mother from Iraq and her son, Haider, had when they were brought to Georgia so that her granddaughter, Noor, could get medical attention. While Soad and Haider were in the U.S., they saw many things in a very different light than most of us Americans do. For example, Soad was astonished at how clean our produce is in American super- markets. She was amazed that misters would spray the produce every so often to keep it fresh. And she noticed that produce was not swarmed with flies the way it was in markets in her country. The Eye-Opener Soad and her son viewed the American medical system that we complain about in a whole different way: “Their idea of medical care was limited to an Abu Ghraib clinic with dirty terrazzo floors, shattered windows, and a few shelves holding medications obtained on the black market or from the U.S. military.” ~Moni Basu They also appreciated our infrastructure and other things we often take for granted. All of this resonated with me. It revived some memories I had long ago tucked away. I was born in a hospital in Managua, Nicaragua. But my mother at the time lived in the rural town of San Rafael del Sur. Nicaragua, at the time, was going through war. Many citizens lacked a lot of resources, and when things started to die down, my parents moved back to the outskirts of Managua. They bought a small piece of land in Cuidad Sandino and built their tiny little house. I recall watching my uncle and father digging a hole in the backyard for an outhouse. I remember using that outhouse, and during one of my vindictive actions against my younger sister, I threw a set of five small little dolls down the toilet because she had wronged me somehow. Resourcefulness Is A Way Of Life My mother used to bathe us in a rectangular cement sink, where she would also wash vegetables and other items to prepare daily meals. She used a huge light brown block of soap for both the cleaning of those things and her children. She would wash the sink with that bar of soap to get it ready for me and my siblings’ baths. Then, she’d take that same bar of soap to wash our clothes and linens by hand on a washboard. I can still see her sweating in the hot little house that didn’t have air conditioning as she scrubbed away dirt from our little white socks on a washboard in that sink. Lastly, she’d prep food to cook for our meals. I had no idea how our lives would change by leaving Nicaragua. Resources, even for the poor in an industrialized nation, are so much different than in poor countries. New Amenities When we came to the U.S. in 1986, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment. It had a flushing toilet, and a thing called a carpet. My paternal grandmother’s house in Nicaragua had good running water and a flushing toilet. No outhouse at her residence. So, little Dali thought she was very rich! It was just not common for people to have flushing toilets. You can imagine that this seven-year-old thought her dad was rich too when she arrived in Pomona, California. I discovered years later that our tiny apartment had once been a motel that had been converted into an apartment complex. Lots of low-income tenants took advantage of the low rent. After having read the article about Soad and Haider’s reaction to American quality of life, I realized that I, too, became like most of us in the developing countries. We get so used to the conveniences of life that we take them for granted. I want to be intentional about not allowing myself to continue to take certain things for granted. That’s why I created a list of topics that you and I can include in our daily gratitude journals or meditations. I’m sharing them on the next page. I encourage you to add to this list and consider why these things make your life easier or better.
What We Take For Granted by Dali Rivera
Dali Rivera is the creator of the Diversity & Anti-Bullying Academy to help prevent, stop, and advocate against bullying. www.DaliTalks.com
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Journaling as a Way to Prep for Those Difficult Relatives over the Holidays by Pamela McFarland
Thanksgiving and other winter holidays are approaching, and many people are dreading spending time with individual family members and others they may disagree with. We live in such polarized times, Friendships, and relationships can be fractured or even severed because of intense political and philosophical disagreements over everything from our current political climate to whom you bring to the Thanksgiving table. At the recent Power of Words conference for writers, spoken word poets, and storytellers in Scottsdale, AZ, I saw a performance by actress and storyteller Noa Baum, a Silver Spring,MD. resident. In A Land Twice Promised—An Israeli Woman’s Quest for Peace, Baum shared the story of her friendship with a Palestinian woman and her mother. This relationship developed and blossomed as they each watched the other’s children grow up in Davis, CA, where Baum lived for 11 years. Would these two women - one Israeli, the other Palestinian - have become friends had they stayed in their homeland? The reality is: perhaps they would never have met and had the opportunity to become friends. Baum’s performance was so powerful, and it reminded me of the power of story to create bridges in unlikely places. Telling our own stories and genuinely listening to the stories of others can help us to see people as people, often not that different from ourselves, rather than “the other.” And those “others” can sometimes be our relatives. While the gap created by the sheer extent of personal losses between people on different sides of the Israel/ Palestine conflict is undoubtedly more significant than differences of opinion over the Thanksgiving dinner table, there are parallels. The “othering” of people who view the world differently can cause bruised relationships, misunderstandings, and even heartbreak. At the extreme, it can lead to an out-and-out war. Doing a little inner work before we encounter those “others” can help us better cope with how to relate to people with whom we don’t seem to have any connection or understand, and prime us to be able to have more open conversations where we might be more willing to listen, and to be heard. Here are a few suggestions that could help you prep for those holiday conversations: 1. Grab a notebook and imagine the person you have a conflict with. Really picture them in your mind. Then think of them as a child or even a baby. Write a poem, letter, or story about this person as viewed through the eyes of a loving parent. You can add in some real details if you know them, but feel free to make things up as well. 2. Write a character description of yourself as if you are a reporter observing you in a coffee shop. Then, switch gears, and describe yourself as if the person you are in conflict with might describe you. Finally, write how you see yourself. See what comes up as you write. Are there any commonalities among the three descriptions? Does anything shift for you? Write about that. 3. Try writing a letter to the person you are in conflict with that you have no intention of actually sending to them. What is in your heart that you want to tell them, so they understand where you are coming from? Try reversing it, writing the letter they might write to you—from their heart. Some of these journaling exercises are based on the pioneering work of Kathleen Adams, author of Journal to the Self™ and founder of the Therapeutic Writing Institute in Denver. They can help you shift your thinking to gain more clarity, understanding, and perhaps even compassion for those you might have a hard time with. That shift can open doors to better, more constructive discussions, and stronger, more loving relationships.
Pamela McFarland is a freelance writer, editor, and writing workshop facilitator based in Silver Spring, MD. She will be offering an eight-week workshop on accessing and reconnecting with our innate creativity in Takoma Park beginning in January. For more info, go to www.dragonflycomm.com For more information on Baum, visit her website at http://www.noabaum.com/
So many of my clients and students live this truth: authentic leaders make a home for themselves and others. Our visions may be different and our gifts unique, but when we’re grounded in spirit, we make a place for realness and healthy growth. Let’s face it, it’s not easy to be real in a trickster world. Influence and power are deals brokered in the dark, and honesty is treated as a sucker’s game. Nonetheless, it’s the best chance we have to spark the lamp that shows us the way, the most important tool we have for long term success. Diogenes famously shone a light in every face, searching for someone honest enough to live their inner truth. Society teaches us to be strategic in self-expression, but that doesn’t mean leaders can’t build trust and relationships from a foundation of truth. From this base, excellence always starts in the soul. The Hawaiian word for this is ho’omana, empowering authority through attention to the essence of who we are. Our souls, in life and leadership, are embodied and energized through our actions, choices, and relationships. When we stand in the center of our fullest being, then honesty and integrity lead us into authentic connections and deepen into real power. We attract integrity with each choice we make, and wisdom grows over time. That’s why sincerity is foundational for all other values, lighting them up with resilience and clarity. Leaders like former President Jimmy Carter, at 95 years continuing his commitment to social justice with Roslyn Carter, in partnership with Habitat for Humanity, combine integrity and dedication with the willingness to face and speak challenging truths, and be part of solutions, body, and soul. When the world, or our lives, get out of balance, it’s time for ho’oponopono, healing our relationships. In the old ways of Hawaii, ho’oponopono was far more than the inner shift advocated by new-age meditators. Communities and individuals would gather, practicing ways of arriving at unconditional love combined with taking responsibility for decisions, actions, and inactions. In this way, the mistakes we make are corrected (made right, or pono). Whether we purposefully caused injury or imbalance, we correct and heal to move back into healthy community. This is the task of the authentic leader, caring not only for herself but for her followers (which includes colleagues and collaborators), attentive to authentic relationships in a world that too often imagines authenticity to be a consistent “real” self, rather than a process of relationships, growth, and personal development and insight. Great leaders, quiet or powerful, hold to the essence and leading from the soul as we negotiate our leadership paths. People feel the heart of us in everything we do and say. It’s arrogant to expect that hypocrisy and faithlessness can be hidden behind a mask. In the end, all we have at our best is that evolving space of our deepest authenticity, the soul. Honesty, within ourselves and in our worldly lives, is the light that leads us home with every step.
Lighting the Leadership Lamp: Your Most Important Tool by Carol Burbank
Carol Burbank is a writing mentor, editor, and writer, founder of the Storyweaving Retreat Center in Fort Washington, MD. In March, Hawaiian Energetics classes begin with an Initial Training and a class in the old ways of Ho’oponopono. This article is an expansion of one of her monthly Science of Mind Magazine leadership and spirituality columns. Contact her for more information (cburbank@storyweaving.com).
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Once You Know Your Purpose, Then What? Ginny Robertson interviewed by Kathryn Yarborough
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I am a recovering good girl. If you have spent any part of your life being a good girl, you may relate. In the past... For me, being a good girl meant that I did what was expected of me and worked very hard not to disappoint others, often to my own detriment. My good girl behavior often showed up as volunteering. I gave my time because that’s what I thought good people did. When my son was 5 years old, he expressed interest in being a cub scout. I took him to a cub scout enrollment meeting where I learned there would not be a cub den, as there was no den leader. No one else volunteered, so I held up my hand. I had no idea what a cub scout leader did, but I didn’t want to disappoint my son and those other little boys in the room. What followed was a stressful year of not just coming up with weekly activities that would be interesting to little boys, but also having to attend and run every meeting. I knew I was not the best person for the job, but I had convinced myself that I was all they had. A few years later, I was asked to work with middle school children in an underserved inner-city school. I would be teaching them the same personal growth concepts that I taught adults, so I thought it would be a piece of cake. That, too, turned into a stressful time where I struggled to maintain order in the classroom and make the concepts relevant for them. These two experiences were stressful and not rewarding for me because I was working with children. I had no experience teaching children and, honestly, no desire. But I was operating under the myth that good people volunteer, and it didn’t matter what the job was. If there was a need and I was able to fill it, I should. Contrast that with what happened a few years later when I was asked to work with men at a recovery house in Baltimore. I volunteered an hour every week teaching the residents about accountability, vision, personal responsibility, and other personal growth concepts. I did this for over 5 years, and I don’t remember ever feeling stressed or not wanting to go. The difference between that experience and the ones I had working with children is that in working with the men at the recovery house, I could share gifts that were natural to me. I spent the time doing something I loved. I used my talent for facilitating processes and helped the men to see possibilities and aspire to greater things, I loved our interactions. I loved what they brought to my table and what we learned from each other. Knowing them made me a better person Now I believe... I believe we should be selfish with our volunteering and that we give because we will receive something in return. Maybe the return is simply that we feel good about ourselves for having given. In my stressful service, I got to keep the image of myself as a good person, but that was not enough to sustain me or bring me joy. In my work with the men at the recovery house, I received an opportunity to grow and learn and to stretch my abilities. Things that made me feel both good about myself and joyful about serving. By saying yes to those things that feed us, we can bring a spirituality to our service that we won’t experience when we say yes out of guilt. Guilt does not sustain us over the long haul. Acting from guilt may lead to resentment and burnout, common ailments for professional volunteers. When an opportunity to be of service arises, instead of letting the good girl respond, take some time, and respond from your heart. Say yes to opportunities to contribute what is most important and unique about you. Maybe your most expert skill or what you do well in your daily work is not the thing that feeds you. Think about other talents, skills, or hobbies that you love and say yes to opportunities to share them. Be curious... Be curious about how to share your gifts with the world. Thirty years ago, I said yes to an opportunity to serve, not out of guilt but out of curiosity, and the result was life-changing. I was working in the mortgage banking field and was planning to attend a big conference in New York City. Three days before the conference, I was asked to fill in for a panelist who had to cancel. I had never done public speaking and, quite frankly, had convinced myself that it wasn’t my thing. As I opened my mouth to say, “thanks for asking, but I don’t do that,” a voice in my head said, “how do you know you don’t do that when you’ve never done it?” I had been working on myself for some time and learning to listen to the voices in my head. I found myself saying yes to the request, not out of guilt, but from a place of curiosity. I saw this opportunity as something good for me and a place to really stretch myself way out of my current comfort zone. I did OK for my first time out. But, more importantly, I returned with the desire to do more public speaking and be in front of more groups. A few months later, I was invited by a seminar company to participate in their facilitation program. Because of the risk, I took in New York City, I was in a place to say yes to this next opportunity. That changed not just the direction of my career, but of my life. Speaking to groups has been part of my life’s work since then. How to serve... The act of serving comes in many forms. You may decide to do long-term board service, or maybe volunteering for one project at a time appeals more to you. It can also be a way of living. A way of looking at the world through eyes that ask, “how can I best serve today?” Maybe it is simply through a smile, a hug, a compliment, letting someone in front of you in traffic, or taking advantage of other opportunities for kindness that are always being offered to us. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Everybody can be great because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love.”
The Spirituality of Service by Ginny Robertson
Ginny Robertson is the Founder of the On Purpose Woman Community and the Founder, Editor and Publisher of On Purpose Woman Magazine. www.OnPurposeWomanCommunity.com
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